THE GEARVAKf BULLETIN Where the f is silent Vol. 29 No. 1 TWO METER BAND EXPLODES ----------------------- [This special report from GEARVAKf New Service arrived at the GEARVAKf Bulletin just moments ago.] Mt. Lishnus Observatory, Mt. Idy, Ohio-- In a special news conference just concluded, Dr. Avruell U. Harnishe, Chairman of the GEARVAKf Scientific Studies Committee, announced that the two meter amateur radio band has just exploded. Apparently there has been widespread property damage and injury to hundreds of hams operating on the band at the time of the explosion. The blast came at 11:03 AM EDT and measured about 9.2 on the Richter scale. According to Dr. Harnishe, the rupture was so violent that some pieces of the shattered frequencies actually achieved Earth orbit. Other debris from the massive explosion continues to fall through the ether placing all radio frequencies at risk of serious damage from collisions with two meter band fragments. A statement issued moments ago by the Federal Communications Commission calls the situation "extremely dangerous." FCC spokesman Ralph R. Spiffee said that the two meter band had been "blown to smithereens throughout the nation and perhaps the world." He warned all radio operators to get away from their radio equipment and stay away until the cloud settles. "although no deaths have yet been reported among amateurs using two meters at the time of the blast," Mr. Spiffee said, "I wouldn't be surprised if there were fatalities." Dr. Harnishe told reporters that it was to early to assess the long term effects of the disaster, but it was almost certain that two meters was damaged beyond repair. "We believe the explosion originated on the West Coast and propagated rapidly eastward," Dr. Harnishe continued. "The blast was so powerful that the shock wave made RF frequencies momentarily visible as it passed thru the air," he said. "The most distressing thing about this tragedy is that it could have been avoided. Five years ago we warned people that two meters was going to blow up, but nobody paid attention; now there is no more two meter band," Harnishe concluded. In 1984, the Scientific Studies Committee predicted that increased use was raising pressure within the band because more energy was being put in than there was being taken out. At that time Dr. Harnishe explained that sensitive modern receiver circuits required very small amounts of RF to produce a readable 144 MHz signal and were bleeding off very little RF energy. Much more RF energy was being transmitted into the band than was being removed through receivers, so the pressure rose dramatically. To reduce the pressure, he suggested that all amateur radio operators listen to two meters for at least six months without transmitting. The no transmit rule would have allowed most of the overpressure to be reduced gradually to a safe level. Unfortunately, nobody listened--either to two meters or to Dr. Harnishe. The result is a disaster of such major proportions that it makes the 20 meter band fire of nearly a decade ago pale in comparison. -- WB7TGQ et al. GEARVAKf Seven Stage Sit-in --------------------------- Special report from Foster Fonda, Director of GEARVAKf Protests and Demonstrations Beginning at 2:30 P.M. Wednesday, February 15, the notorious "GEARVAKf Seven" staged another of their protests outside the Southenon, Ohio IGA store to protest the loss of the bottom 2 MHz of the 220 MHz band. After fifteen minutes, they moved the demonstration to the Dairy Delite, which was closed for the winter anyway. Later, the demonstrators drank some beer and went home. -- N8JR GEARVAKf Research Basis of No-Code Tape --------------------------------------- Turlock, California-- April 32, 1989 - In a surprise announcement that has completely rocked the foundation of the educational community, the Wet-Link C.B. Radio Network has prematurely introduced a new "No-Code CW Training Tape Cassette' which was developed using lack of research material supplied by the world famous Gorbinsky Learning and Forgetting Center of Ohio. This GEARVAKf-sponsored facility is the hub of the GEARVAKf-funded research into "things." In a 1955 report authored two decades before the center was opened, it's former Director of Research Into Things, Dr. R. U. Kidding, PhD. (phud), posed the question: "Why is the sky blue and what does this have to do with learning morse code?" Using grant monies provided by the GEARVAKf Grant Monies Institute to Research Things, Dr. Kidding attempted to contact the late Samuel F.B. Morse to ascertain the answer. By 1966, Dr. Kidding had discovered that Morse had been dead for several decades and therefore was not a plausable source for garnering his information. While Dr. Kidding never did learn why the sky is blue, his 1979 paper titled "To Code or Not to Code--Is That a Question?" went unnoticed by the communications community for almost two decades, mainly because it as written in a VIC-20 computer, printed in 23-letter columns, and looked like a grocery list. The paper was resurrected about four days ago by the production staff at Wet-Link C.B. Radio as an excuse to put out a useless tape cassette to teach people No-Code at 0 WPM. Hosted by Niles East, the cassette is designed to instruct the listener and impart enough knowledge so that he or she can pass the Morse Code portion of the FCC No-Code ham radio exam. Since nobody in their right or left mind would buy such trash, the only way to get one is at the WESTLINK REPORT/220 NOTES booth at the 1989 AmateurRadioVention in Dayton, Ohio. The tapes are almost for free, but not quite. GEARVAKf members are advised to show their lack of ID cards while non- members need not. -- WA6ITF Radio Commission Ponders Baud Limits ------------------------------------ By Elizabeth Conover Mung GEARVAKf Investigative Reporter Concerned by reports of increased packet collisions, the Radio Commission is considering steps to enforce the 55 baud limit. "It has come to our attention that speeds as high as 300 and sometimes 1200 baud are being used," said Arnold Dargush, Director of the Commission's Baud Enforcement Division (BED). The resulting collisions are causing heavy damage on the bands rendering some frequencies unusable until the channels can be swept. "We had one case where bit litter completely shut down 145.01 MHz over a wide area," declared Dargush. "Frequency sweeping is not only expensive, but while a frequency is being swept of collided data, others are being deprived of it's use because of the thoughtlessness of speeders," said Dargush. And he added: "Remember, every bit litter hurts." --N8JR FCC Proposes Sale of Ham Frequencies ------------------------------------ According to Mr. Ralph D. Frenzy, an anonymous confidential source on the FCC's staff, the FCC is planning to sell to commercial interests many of the frequencies allocated to the Amateur Radio Service. The informant explained that the purpose of the sale was to raise money for the Commission, which has been operating under the most stringent budget in history. [A GEARVAKf Bulletin article in the winter 1983 issue told of the FCC's abandonment of it's duties effective January 1, 1984, and the dispatch of all employees to fishing trips in the Gulf of Mexico--Ed.] A memo said to be circulating through the FCC offices characterized the coming sale as "a logical extension of the Administration's policy of getting the government out of everybody's business." No mention was made of the effect upon ham radio except for a remark by FCC Commissioner Annie M. Shabob who said, "Hams can communicate with flashing lights if they want to." Several FCC staff members who objected to the frequency sale were fired yesterday. The GEARVAKf Bulletin was not successful in contacting FCC spokesman Ralph R. Spiffee for an official statement because he was on a fishing trip in the Gulf of Mexico. -- K8DMZ Rare Tree Rediscovered ---------------------- Amateur radio helped conservationists make a major step forward last month. DXpeditionists to uninhabited Bat Guano Island in the South Pacific Ocean were surprised and pleased to find Formica trees flourishing there. Up to now, the Formica tree has been considered totally extinct. So many Formica trees had been cut down to make table tops that it was believed the tree no longer existed. Part of the problem is that the tree will thrive only in geographic climates suitable for it's propagation, such as the high mountains of western Michigan or the east side of Cleveland, Ohio. Henry Openfill, N0CALL, leader of the DXpedition, has applied to the Environmental Protection Agency for a federal grant to bring some of the rare specimens back to the United States. -- K6FO GEARVAKf Headline News: ----------------------- o - Somebody elected President. Find out who. o - New video movie tapes cannot be rewound. o - Senator Proxmire treated for hair transplant rejection. o - Parents organize Mothers Against Dyslexia (ADM) o - Congress rejects proposal to outlaw illegal activities for members. DETAILS AT 11!! Consumer Alert -------------- Ham operator Quetzcoatl Fud was hospitalized yesterday after he was attacked by an unruly band of felines while carrying his newly assembled tuna tin radio. Arrested were 17 alley cats, two tabbies, 10 Persians, Fluffy, Hobbes, Tigger, and the bronze lions from the library steps and Garfield. Asked if he knew what provoked the attack, Fud mumbled through his bandages, "Geez, I don't know. Maybe I shoulda taken the tuna out of the can first." The FCC has ordered a recall of all tuna tin radio kits. Persons holding the dangerous merchandise are advised to take it immediately to the Centerville, Ohio, port of call and ask for Charlie. -- N8HRU Sale of Antique Radios to be Banned in U.S. ------------------------------------------- The GEARVAKf Bulletin has just learned that legislation has been introduced in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives that would effectively ban the sale and ownership of a well-known radio receiver used in this country in the 1920's and 1930's. According to, Hozay Gonezollus, a representative of the National Radio Association (NRA) in Washington, D.C., U.S. Senator Howard Pretzelbalm is leading the effort to ban the radio. According to the Senator's aide, Byddie Grinzil, the radio is too dangerous for citizens to handle and only can be used to kill people. When Mr. Gonezollus asked Ms. Grinzil how a radio could be used to kill people, she called him a very dirty name. "We want to get these things out of the hands of the damned anti-political, nazi, fascist, murdering, NRA criminals like you," Ms. Grinzil explained when she regained her composure. Mr. Gonezollus, however, could never get a clear statement about why the Senator wants to ban the Atwater Kent No. 47 (AK-47) semi-automatic tuning radio receiver. Speed Limits Changed for Hams ----------------------------- The Ohio Legislature has rescinded special highway speed limits for amateur radio operators according to uninformed sources in Columbus. (Ohio speed limit is 55 mph except where grudgingly allowed.) In 1987, the Legislature had passed a law that limited highway speeds to 45 mph for all ham radio operators driving in 55 mph and 65 mph zones. Ham operators were also required to pull off the highway whenever other vehicles approached. All ham radio operators were required to buy special "Day-glo" orange license plates at a cost of $1,500. According to Highway Safety Department spokesman, Fuster Buzz, the law was rescinded because nobody paid attention to it. "It's a shame we can't control our citizens better," he lamented, "but we will find a better way to keep these nerds off our highways for good." GEARVAKf Now Official VECC -------------------------- GEARVAKf has been appointed coordinator of Volunteer Examination Coordinators by the Radio Commission, according to GEARVAKf Coordinator Coordinator, Ms. Darlene Dingh-Dongh. "We pointed out to the Commission that there are plenty of Volunteer Coordinators, but no coordinator of coordinators," she explained, "so the Commission established the Office of Coordinator Coordinators." Spokesperson Albina Falana said the Office of Coordinator Coordinators expects to operate with a first-year budget of less than $10 million in keeping with the new administration's pledge to reduce government costs. "We expect to hire fewer than 200 government civil service coordinators to coordinate the work of the Volunteer Examination Coordinating Coordinators who will be coordinating the work of the Volunteer Coordinators," she said. The 200 new coordinators will join the staff of the Office of Coordinator Coordinators as soon as the Commission's Personnel Coordination Office completes its coordination. --N8JR "White Noise" Opposed By EEOC ----------------------------- Use of the term "white noise" to describe the production of signals over a wide range of frequencies by the cosmos, atmospheric electrical disturbances, and radio circuitry, has been condemned by the Equal Electrical Opportunity Commission (EEOC) as discriminatory. EEOC spokesperson, Bruce Gweemser, said use of the term is considered derogatory because it attributes either negative or positive characteristics of such signals to a particular color. "If the connotation is negative," he explained, "then Americans of the light-skinned persuasion may be offended. On the other hand, if the connotation is positive, Americans of other darker varieties of skin shading may take offense." Gweemser said that the EEOC strongly recommends the abandonment of the term "white noise" and replacement with another, more descriptive one. "Perhaps 'electrical-American noise' might be more appropriate," Gweemser suggested. -- W8LCZ, et al Tests Abandoned --------------- The GEARVAKf Scientific Studies Committee has announced that it will temporarily quit testing the Exploding Rat Amplifier that has been the subject of research for the last decade. No specific reason was given, but the Studies Committee Chairman, Dr. Avruell U. Harnishe, told reporters that, "Someone in the GEARVAKf Air Service requested suspension of tests." -- K8DMZ